Kidnapping

((The following is a statement written in character as part of a roleplay in Second Life. None of the actions that happened are real, much as the author of this post is a fictional character as well.))

Normally I reserve my blog for happier things about the music industry, or things that are on my mind that I want to talk about on Twitter that needs more than 140 characters. Today, my post is vastly different. I understand if no one wishes to read or comment as this will be dark. Just as I understand that many of you will judge me for how I reacted to what I went through, and what I continued to go through. This is what happened, this is what I had very little choice in, and because of it, my life will now be vastly different. I have not been spoken to by the police since any of this has happened, I have been at a trusted friend's house recovering since, and am still there as I write this. The confiscation of my phone and laptop were at my request to her.

On April 28th, Erik Severn and I were in Hathian with his bodyguards/drivers when the car we were in broke down. We were let off at the Grind where I proceeded in to order coffee. He wanted a mint tea and chocolate bar, so I purchased those. I don't remember what I ordered but I know I was given a stale bagel. When I came out, a woman was there, speaking in broken English and a thick Irish accent. Erik by this time was ill and I went to get his medicine from the car, which had been pushed off somewhere. I tried to call but had no reception, and in the process Erik and I exchanged phones, but I didn't realize it until I returned. Erik by that point was gone. We searched, we went to HPD, we looked wherever we could but no Erik. During this time we found out who took him, Murphy Daughtery, a resident of Hathian, Louisiana.

On April 30th, I received a DM on my phone with instructions on how and where I could collect Erik. My instinct was telling me that something was very wrong walking into it, but that same instinct too was telling me that if I did not go, that would be Erik's demise. I went and was ambushed, attacked, and then knocked unconscious. When I woke, I was tied to a pole and saw Erik in a coma. The following three days or so I was held in captivity. Part of me was concerned about "winning" over Erik, thinking I could come out of it better, have fewer problems after, and looking back, I am not proud of that. He does not know what he has lost, where I know what I no longer have.

The first day, I had a blowtorch used on my abdomen, the letter M burned in. I never have liked the sensation of being burned. But, throughout the evening, she at least stopped, realized that what she wanted she could not get, so she left me hanging from the pole. I did not sleep as I found out the hard way, when you are suspended from your arms, you have to pull yourself up in order to take a breath in. The night was spent in a struggle to breathe and rest, neither of which was easy. By the time Murphy returned, I could no longer feel my arms, and there was a searing pain in my shoulders. I still have black marks on my wrists where the rope bound into me.

The second day, she took me down, gave me pain meds and mixed in PCP, something she told me later. We began to talk about Hannya, and she started to drive in the point that he was dead to me, that he hurt me, and somehow during that time, I began to see the shadows of butterflies and that's when all the confusion started. Somehow in that, and this is the part I still am having a hard time processing, the day in general is one I cannot process, but somehow she was no longer Murphy, but the Egyptian goddess Nephthys, the mother of Anubis, the god I have the closest connection to of my religion. She got in my mind easily, first by acknowledging the pain and embarrassment I had been hiding, and then giving me a peace that I could not find anywhere else, and then hope. It wasn't the pain that broke me, it was a chance at happiness, something that I never really truly felt with a life full of treatment-resistant depression. It wasn't about the drugs, or stopping being embarrassed by my probably now ex-husband, it was about finding a peace and acceptance that I have never had in my entire life. Yes, I wanted to be accepted for who I am by others, but it wasn't until this experience that I accepted that much of my fate and safety is out of my hands. I had once accepted that one day I would die, I thought I was already dead in fact, but now, I was shown otherwise.

The third day was the pain, I had to be reborn to start again, and how do you do that? First you must die. I was beaten, battered, bruised, but in all of this I did not feel broken, I still do not. There are bruises on my abdomen and thighs where I was hit by a 2x2 plank that was later discarded. I was slashed on my abdomen, had an ankh carved in my thigh, and at the end, stabbed and choked at the same time, being told to yell, to scream, to let it out and I did, ending up in a seizure. All that time I was kept under by drugs, conditioned to think that I must destroy that which would otherwise destroy me, and conditioned to abandon love that had otherwise always kept me going. As it was aimed at Hannya, my first instruction from her remained: Hannya is dead to you.

I awoke the next day at some rundown motel by a highway. I remember hearing the sound of the traffic and realizing that not only was I alive, but that I was in a lot of pain. I managed to get up, see the state I was left in, and was in shock. I looked for a phone and found one, texting the only number that was on there for help, which ended up being Murphy. There were some meds left for me, so I took them, went in search of food, clothes, and a car. My mind was not ready to face anything after what I had been through, but I knew that no matter what, I needed things to survive on, and I needed my life line, which was all the work I had on my laptop. So I got that. Sasha, I am sorry that we both had to find out that day what happened to Hannya, and I am sorry that I needed you to get the laptop for me, but it and that bag are right now my most important possessions.

Unfortunately, through pain, infection, conditioning, I did end up back at Murphy's place for a few days, I do not know how long. All I know was that in addition to the drugs she had been giving me, she added an antibiotic as I felt a fever come on, my leg ache more, and sleep consume me for days. The stab wound never closed and became infected. I was there another three days I estimate, I am not sure, before I was well enough to go to my husband, or whom I was hoping was still my husband. At some point during all of this, it seems that Murphy had divorce papers drawn up, the lawyer using my name as the person requesting. It was sent to Hannya and he signed. I didn’t know until Sasha told me three days later. I only know it was during the time I was still being held as prisoner, not as patient, as I saw it on his Twitter. Hannya, I am sorry that you had to go through any of that. In my mind, I was going to die, and I was hoping to do it still as your husband with your name. I wanted nothing more than for your happiness to return again

I found Hannya at the band’s house in a location I do not wish to state for their privacy. We talked, and all I remember was this vast confusion and duality. There were two of me. One was begging for help, begging for love, begging to be touched. That one of me was in pain, scared, hurt, and I just wanted to let him do as he will. The other was Murphy’s programming, which is still there. I can’t shake all of it despite being off of her meds and back on the ones I had been taking prior. That part of me wanted destruction, wanted to fulfill the task she gave me. That part of me still sees her as a goddess, and still sees that promise of that peace that I longed for. If anything, both parts of me are in mourning, one for losing Hannya, the other for losing that reward upon death.

All that time in captivity, I dreamed, both in the cage and later on Murphy’s sofa. It was always one dream, that it was my death, I had already been judged and found worthy to go to the Fields of Aaru. Nephthys walked me there, took me to the home my family had, and I was reunited with grandparents and aunts and uncles, and they brought me in, showed me where I could rest, and promised me that the pain was over. A life of pain, thirty-three years of it, how can I not help but mourn either loss? Now I find that I am mourning both, a life of happiness with my husband, performing with him, laughing with him, celebrating with him, enjoying cute silly moments with him, and now also mourning my loss of peace at any point further in my life. I could go on, but I promised that I would not make this about Hannya, or Murphy.

I did not want a hospital, because a hospital meant attention that I did not want. I just wanted space to heal. I ran from the house where Hannya was, not remembering most of the meeting. I had been at Murphy’s up to that point, and left comfortably numb in the fever, drugs, and whatever spell she cast into my mind. I left Murphy’s house, and while I wanted to stay near Hannya, stay with Hannya, I feared what would happen if I did. I was not in full control of myself, if anything I only had enough control to know I was not well, and aside from the person who had captured me who turned around and offered help after, I did not know who I could trust. My mind was a weapon, and my body was nearly destroyed. Had I gone to Sasha for help, I fear what I would have done so close to him, Hannya, or David, so I went to Heil, the last of my strength gone by the time I reached her door.

To Murphy, I do thank you. There had been things on my mind, a friend told me to keep them quiet, keep the status quo, because we both thought that to bring it up would only inflame the situation more. What you found in me one day would have exploded out anyway, only because of you, I am not the one to blame, this time. I wish we could have met under other circumstances, we could have been friends. We may still be, I am not sure. I do not think it is safe for me to see you yet, as much as I want to talk to you about what happened. I have unanswered questions still. The programming is still there, and every so often I find myself worrying that I will not fulfill my task. In fact, in writing this, I do not wish to offend you. We should talk. I am not angry,

To Sasha, I am sorry that you had to be caught up in this in any way. It was not my intention for either of us to learn how hurt Hannya had been in this, nor was it ever my intention for him to be hurt in the first place. I wanted to stay with you, but I in part feared what I would do to David, or what I would do to Hannya and the rest of the band had I gotten out. You did not need to see me in the state I was in after I left, as there is such a good to you still, I did not wish to sully that.

To Heil, thank you for taking me in. I did not know where to go, but your motherly instincts knew what to do to keep me safe. I am still here, writing this at your home, embarrassed for how my body and mind betrayed me. I probably would have died if it weren't for your help and swift actions in treating me. Thank you for not taking me to the hospital, as I fear they would not have let me out after. Even then, I will still be on your sofa at least a good week longer.

To Hannya, I am so sorry that you had to go through any and all of this. I sit here just barely starting to look at what I lost, and know that you probably feel as if you have lost the same but a hundred fold. It was never my intention to be taken in the first place, I went to try to rescue Erik for you and could not. Nor was it my intention for those papers to come through at all, just as it was not my intention to hurt you that night or ever in this event, I am only just discovering how much unlike myself I was during this time. I hope I did not harm you, but all I remember other than confusion was you urging me to sign the divorce documents that Murphy still has. I did not think in any of this that I would lose you. All I wanted that night when I was there, even if I said otherwise, was for you to lay me down and get me safe. I look over what I posted on Twitter during that time that I was relatively free and have almost no memory of it, everything after the basement was a haze aside from a few things: seeing you, and finding Heil’s home. Seeing your Twitter, I suspect you have moved on, but I do want to talk. If you want those papers signed, I say we do it the proper way with a lawyer we know and trust, but we need to talk first as there is much about this rejection that I do not understand. I would very much like to have you in my life still, even if I see that you are trying to move on. While I personally do not want a divorce, nor have I ever wanted one, I still want to talk, see if we can work this out. I do not want to be punished for being kidnapped, if that were the case I would be begging police to take me instead. I am just now waking up from that spell, today is the first day I know where I am or when it is since I was taken, which now seems a lifetime ago. I was sincere however in that my will is made out to you, I have filed it already through Heil’s lawyer, even if I am waking up to the losses I have sustained. When I married you, I intended for that marriage to be the only marriage that would last me to my death, no matter how bad things got. I just wish it would have been the case for you. It hurts knowing that you did not have the faith in me that I had in you in the worst moments. As I said, I was ready to die as your husband in there. It is not through having been kidnapped that I feel I am a victim, it is through losing you that I feel that I am.

To Gabe, I have already told you what I needed to say. I am sorry that we can no longer be best friends, but I need a space too for now, to heal and grow, and figure out who I am without you. Perhaps one day we can reconcile more, but I fear that as much as you have tried to help, you have also hindered me. Let me get my footing before we try to be as close as we once were. Thank you however for being there, but you have Trish to look after too.

To the band and Ace Productions, I still plan on being a part of Vaarallinen and resuming my positions when I am capable, but to quote Erik, we don’t need to be friends to work together. I do not know where we stand at this point, nor do I know how I will react with the bits of programming that are still there. I still want to continue as you both are my family that I have wanted my entire life, but like family, sometimes we are close, other times we are not. Right now, I do need to find myself some more before I know where I am. I know you were my bro bro, but I am not that man anymore after this. I am now marked and changed and I need to find what that is before we can resume our friendship.

And overall that is where I am. I had to write this, get my statement out there, just so I can figure out what I have left and where I can go next. I will be at Heil’s another week or so, but with help, can go into Hathian. I know I need to make a statement to HPD, I should let a doctor photograph the injuries, and I need to figure out what all I have left in my life. I have Phoenix Productions and a cabin on the plot of land where the studio is, and I still seem to have my place in Vaarallinen and positions at Ace Productions. However, I no longer have my husband, or my home with him, and from what I understand, my dogs and cat as well. This divorce is not on me but on forces beyond my control, on a kidnapper, and a now ex-husband who believed her. Beyond this statement, I ask privacy from those reading this while I heal and figure out what to do with my life next and while the HPD investigates further.

Sincerely,

Callith Appleton,

Guitarist, Vaaralinnen

Owner & Executive Producer, Phoenix Productions

A&R, Producer, & Songwriter, Ace Productions